Who's Your Daddy?
by pupeez4eva
Summary: Wherein the Sandaime realises that hiding Naruto's parentage was a huge mistake, and Naruto develops a crush on his idol, the Yondaime Hokage.


It starts off with a series of innocent comments.

"Jiji, do you think the Yondaime would have liked me as much as much as you do?"

"Jiji, how come you're so much older than the Yondaime was?"

"Jiji, the Yondaime was super cool, right?"

Had it been one comment, Hiruzen would have brushed it off. After all, Naruto is hardly the first person to idolise the Fourth Hokage. Even young shinobi, who grew up after the death of the Yondaime, know of his legacy, and aspire to be just like him.

But these constant comments, and Naruto's eager, intent gaze, speak of something greater than simple curiosity. Hiruzen can't help but feel a spike of alarm, and wonders if someone might have told Naruto the truth about his parentage.

"Is there a reason for all these questions?" he asks the boy, making sure that his voice remains even.

Naruto grins widely, and nods his head rapidly. "Yup! The Yondaime is really cool, dattebayo! He's my favourite Hokage…sorry Jiji. Although you're cool too!"

Hiruzen leans back in his seat, and smiles at his surrogate grandson. Hmm…so the boy had an innocent case of hero worship. That was fine.

 _That_ was fine. What Hiruzen later finds out…now that definitely _wasn't._

 _..._

" — and they keep going on about _Sasuke-teme!"_ Naruto flops backwards onto the floor, and Hiruzen watches him in amusement from behind his desk. Naruto had been complaining about his classmates since arriving in the Hokage's office, and, in particular, the primary focus of most of the female populace.

"I don't understand _why._ There are so many _cooler_ people they could be obsessing over that the teme! Like — like the _Yondaime!"_

"Naruto," Hiruzen says, "I think the way that you view the Yondaime, and the way that those girls view Sasuke Uchiha, are very different."

"Hmm?" Naruto lifts his head. "Nah, they want to marry the teme."

Hiruzen's brow furrows in confusion.

"…and I get that the Yondaime is _dead_ and all, but if he was alive, I would."

There was an awkward pause. Hiruzen cocked his head to the side, frowning. "I'm…sorry?"

Naruto looks thoughtful for a moment, before continuing. "I get that he's older than me," he says, "but I saw a picture of him once, and he doesn't _look_ that old, so it'd totally be cool. If he was alive. _Oh_ and I'd still be Hokage someday, dattebayo! But…Jiji are you okay?"

Hiruzen spends the next few moments choking on his own spit, and struggling to get ahold of himself so that he could fix this mess.

"Naruto," he says, "you really shouldn't…"

"Why?" Naruto blinks innocently.

Hiruzen's mouth opens and closes for a few moments, but, for the life of him, he can't not come up with one good reason for why Naruto should stop. Well, other than the obvious one, of course, but there's no way he could tell Naruto about _that._

It was for the boy's own good, he reminded himself, as Naruto skipped cheerily out of the office. Besides, he was sure Naruto would eventually grow out of it.

(He tried to avoid looking at Minato's picture, because every time he caught a glimpse of it, he could almost hear the man screaming, _"Hiruzen, you fucking arse")._

...

That night he dreams of Kushina Uzumaki chasing him around, and screaming bloody murder. He wakes up in a cold sweat, and has to remind himself that he is doing this to protect Naruto.

...

Naruto was a little upset that the Yondaime had apparently sealed a demon into him. But…it was the _Yondaime_. Sure the whole village hated him because of that, but the man was a _hero_ , so there had to be a good reason, right?

So, Naruto brushes off any lingering feelings of disappointment (in a few years time, he'll firmly declare that if Sakura can keep her crush on Sasuke, even after the teme betrayed the village, then _he_ could keep liking the Yondaime. Because the Yondaime was _awesome_ , dattebayo!), and his image of the Yondaime remains untainted.

This is very unfortunate for Kakashi, who soon realises that his beloved sensei must be rolling around in his grave.

Kakashi observes his new genin team, making sure to maintain an air of cool superiority. He's already introduced himself, and now he turns his gaze to Naruto. He thinks he has an idea where all these introductions are going.

He's wrong.

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki! I like ramen, and the Yondaime! I dislike people who insult the Yondaime! My hobby is to eat ramen, and learn new things about the Yondaime! My dream is to become the Hokage, and be as good as the Yondaime!"

There…is _a lot_ about Minato-sensei in those few sentences. Kakashi would have been worried that Naruto knew the truth of his parentage, but the Sandaime hadn't mentioned anything about this. He's deciding that he'll need to pay a visit to the Hokage's office later, and mention this to him, when Sakura interrupts.

"Even if the Yondaime _was_ alive, he'd be so embarrassed about someone like _you_ liking him!" she declares, glaring a Naruto.

Kakashi frowns, and turns to Sasuke, who is watching the proceedings with a mixture of boredom and irritation. "What does she mean?"

Sasuke sighs. "The dobe has a crush on the Yondaime."

Kakashi freezes in horror.

...

"We mustn't tell him," Hiruzen tells him, when Kakashi storms into his office later that day. "Think of the danger — "

"What about the danger to Naruto's _mind?!"_ Kakashi snaps, not even caring that this is the Hokage he is yelling at. "In case you didn't know, it's not _normal_ to have a crush on your _father."_

"…I will tell him when he is ready," Hiruzen says after a brief pause, and Kakashi inwardly wails.

...

The rest of the village, most of whom knew about Naruto's crush (because when did the boy do anything quietly?) muttered about how _that boy_ was insulting the Yondaime's memory by carrying on this way. The Yondaime didn't need a _demon_ chasing after him, especially the same demon that had wreaked havoc on this village, and who had killed him.

The ones who knew the truth grimaced in horror, and felt deep pity for the child at the thought of how he would react when he did find out.

...

Since Naruto won't stop, and Kakashi can't actually say anything to him, he decides to drop a few hints. He slips Naruto a picture of Minato-sensei and Kushina-nee. They'd taken it while Kushina had been pregnant with Naruto, and the words _'Minato Namikaze & Kushina Uzumaki'_ along with the date, had been scrawled on the back.

He gives it to Naruto with an almost bored, "since you like the Yondaime so much," (even though he is internally screaming the entire time), and hopes to _God_ Naruto will take note of the different puzzle pieces — a pregnant woman who shares the same last name as him, the date, which is the same year he'd been born, Minato, who looks _just like him_ — and will figure it out.

He should have known better. This is _Naruto_ after all.

When Naruto sees the photo, he grins from ear-to-ear, lets out an excited little squeal (which he will later deny), and runs home. He decides he will pin it up on is wall. It's not like it's weird or anything, since he's pretty sure Sakura has a picture of Sasuke somewhere in _her_ bedroom.

Naruto doesn't bother to turn the picture over, because why would he do _that?_ The Yondaime is on this side of _the_ picture! He briefly wonders who the fat lady is, and then decides it isn't important, and grabs a pair of scissors from the kitchen cupboard.

A few minutes later, he excitedly tapes the photo to the wall beside his bed. It's a little rough around the edges, what with him having to cut fat-lady out of the picture, but it'll do.

...

"So you _really_ taught the Yondaime?"

The kid's been asking him that question since he first met him, and Jiraiya didn't even need to _mention_ Minato — Naruto had just known. When Jiraiya had asked him, Naruto had said something vague about 'doing his research.' Jiraiya just figured that his amazing reputation had preceded him.

Jiraiya sighs. "I thought I told you that."

"And…you're a huge pervert right?"

"It's _research!"_

Naruto rolls his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. So, Pervy Sage…you probably watched the Yondaime _a lot,_ right?"

Jiraiya sighs. As much as he loves his old student, and as happy as he is that Naruto is learning something about his dad, can't the kid talk about something else? "I _told_ you I was his sensei."

"Yeah, so…" Naruto leans forward, and eager expression on his face, and Jiraiya finds himself wondering if the kid knows. Because there's hero worship, and then there's _this_."Was he has handsome as he looks in all the photos?"

Jiraiya's thought process stutters to a halt. "Sorry, what?" he chokes.

"Because he looks _really_ good. All the girls back at the Academy kept screaming about Sasuke-teme, but I _bet_ if the Yondaime was still alive, they would be screaming about him instead!"

Jiraiya stares at him, mouth hanging open.

"It's not just his _looks_ though," Naruto continues, oblivious to Jiraiya's horror. "I wouldn't do that, dattebayo! He's the best Hokage _ever_ , and he's so strong, and I want to be _just_ like him!"

And then Naruto blushes, like the female protagonist in one of his books, and Jiraiya decides that this is probably some messed up dream. Maybe one of the women from the bath house managed to knock him out. Yeah, that was probably it.

Naruto glares at him. "Are _you_ judging me, Pervy Sage?" he demands. "Because you perv on girls _all the time,_ and they aren't _half_ as amazing, or as good looking as the Yondaime!"

 _Definitely_ a nightmare. Definitely a bad, bad, nightmare.

...

Once Jiraiya establishes that no, this isn't a nightmare, he thinks, _Sensei, what the fuck?_

Because obviously Hiruzen knew about this, what with his vague comments about, _'making sure not to tell Naruto about his parentage, **no matter what** strange comments the boy might make.'_

Well. Jiraiya's not just going to stand back and let this happen. He'd like to live with the knowledge that, whenever he finally kicked the bucket, Kushina and Minato wouldn't be standing by the pearly white gates, waiting to kick his arse down to Hell.

Thus, Jiraiya, using his supreme ninja skills, decides it's time to direct Naruto's attention elsewhere. _Literally anywhere else._

He starts with the obvious.

"So…Kakashi is a real catch, huh?"

Naruto looks horrified. Fine then. Guess the kid had never picked up a romance novel — student/teacher relationships were _so_ in.

"That…weird little Uchiha friend of yours?"

Naruto looks even more horrified, and yells something about 'stupid temes.'

Jiraiya decides that this really isn't going well.

After a few more desperate suggestions, he decides that maybe Naruto just has a thing for Hokages. Okay, fine, he can work with that.

"The Shodaime," he says cheerily. "He was good at _wood_ release for a reason."

Naruto stares at him blankly.

"…The Nidaime. _Woooow_ , I really think we should be talking about him right now."

And now Naruto just looks bored. Dammit, this is not working.

After a moment of hesitation, Jiraiya decides, what the hell, it's better than the alternative.

"The Sandaime…real catch in his heyday…"

It doesn't work.

...

When Minato sees Naruto, all he can think is how much his son has grown. And while he looks just like him, Minato can also see so much of Kushina that it hurts.

Naruto is staring at him, his eyes filled with shock, amazement, and something else that Minato can't identify.

"You're…the Yondaime…" Naruto breathes.

Minato walks forward, smiling softly. "You've grown up, Naruto."

Naruto squeals. "You know my _name!"_

Minato blinks. Okay that was a bit…strange. Well, he supposes this _is_ a fairly strange situation, and brushes it off. "Of course I do, Naruto," he says. "I'm the one who named you. You're — "

And before Minato can drop _that_ bombshell, Naruto cuts in.

"You _what?!"_ And now Naruto's eyes are practically shining. _"You_ named me? Oh, you're so cool! And _so_ good looking, dattebayo!" Wait, what? "So what, did you just tell my parents that they _had_ to name me Naruto, or — "

"Naruto," Minato interrupts, "you're my son."

Naruto's smile freezes.

"It's…so good to finally see you — "

Minato's staring to get nervous, because there is a _really_ strange look in his son's eyes. It looks almost manic, and his smile is starting to twitch at the corners. He also hasn't blinked in a really long time.

"You…are…my dad?" When Naruto finally speaks, he sounds _horrified_. Minato has briefly thinks, _'oh, this is about the kyuubi; of course his son wasn't just going to FORGIVE him for that.'_

And then Naruto _screams._

 _..._

The first thing Minato does, after being reanimated by Orochimaru, is turn to the Sandaime (despite the presence of the Shodaime and Nidaime Hokages, and a room full of other people), and say, "Hiruzen, _you fucking arse."_

Hiruzen sighs, and thinks, _'I knew that was coming.'_

Now everyone just looks really confused, Hashirama is demanding to know who Minato is, Sasuke is demanding that they answer his questions, Tobirama is alternating between glaring at Sasuke and Orochimaru, and Minato looks like he wants to kill him.

"I am very sorry," Hiruzen says, sounding more than a little bit awkward. "It was to protect Naruto…"

"Protect him _how?!"_ Minato demands. "I leave my son in your care, and the next time I see him, _he wants to marry me!"_

There is a horrified gasp, and it takes Hiruzen a moment to realise that it came from the Shodaime Hokage, and not the red-headed girl in the corner of the room.

"Naruto is your _son?!"_ Sasuke demands. Like most people who have met Naruto, he knows all too well about Naruto's feelings for the Yondaime Hokage.

 _"Yes!"_

Sasuke's fists tighten, and he murmurs, "So he too was betrayed by the Leaf…"

...

"Am I too late?" Minato asks, after arriving on the battlefield. He's trying to sound as lighthearted as possible, because this is awkward as hell for him (and he once again curses Hiruzen, because _it should not be this way)._

Naruto averts his gaze. "Ahh, no. Right on time…Minato."

(Because ever since finding out the horrific truth, Naruto had alternated between staring at the wall in a stunned daze, and throwing breakable objects at any hard surface he could find. And then he'd decided that _no one could know about this. EVER)._

Minato, on the other hand, decides that they need to address this. Because this is _not_ okay. So as soon as they are out of danger, he turns to Naruto and his pink-haired friend, smiles, and asks, "so, is this your girlfriend?"

Naruto's eye twitches, and he says nothing.

Sakura decides to hit him anyway, because it's Naruto, and she can.

And while the two are bantering, Minato laughs awkwardly, and says, "could you please go easy on my son?"

Naruto makes a noise that sounds almost like a sob, and Sakura's eyes widen in horror. "Your…son?"

She stares, frozen for a moment, and then:

 _"NARUTO'S DAD IS THE YONDAIME?!"_

(Elsewhere, their comrades exchange horrified glances. No, that _can't_ be true, can it?).

"Naruto, you creep!" she yells.

"I _didn't know!"_ Naruto wails.

...

The Sandaime arrives and father and son decide they _do_ have something to bond over, until they remember that they are in the middle of a battle. Their revenge will have to wait.

Hiruzen realises, not for the first time, that he has made a _big_ mistake.

 **…**

 **AN:**

 **Sooo…this happened.**

 **Yet another attempt at humor, because it is literally the only thing I can write. Tell me what you think :)**


End file.
